7. GIANT GUMMI WORM
While my childhood dreams were populated by gummi bears as large as a small dog, it did not serve as a home to these monsters. They are 26 inches long, 5 inches around, weigh 3 pounds apiece, and cost about 28 bucks. Looking at them, I imagine they are also useful in preventing home invasions or, conversely, performing a home invasion.
6. GIANT GUMMI SKULL
It’s available in 11 different flavors. It’s life size. It will fill your children with terror and make the fat Goth kid down the street your new best friend. It’s a five-pound gummi skull, and I think most people would agree that if Nicolas Cage had been sporting one of these as a head, Ghost Rider would have been 20 times shorter and 1000 times more watchable (hint: sugar and fire have a short, spectacular relationship. (other hint: his head would have melted.))
5. GUMMI FETUS
…uhh…hmm…well…no, I can’t. It’s just…I just…No. I can’t. The next one is actually less disturbing.
4. GUMMI DEAD RAT
For a lot of us, the gummi rat was the first “giant gummi” we ever encountered. Frankford Candy & Chocolate Company decided that in order to make a truly complete Halloween treat out of the gummi rat, it had to be caught in a trap, all smashed and bloody. Kudos for not conforming to PC standards and really sticking it to the man. But I have to admit: this could be made out of ambrosia from Mount Olympus itself, and I would have a hard time taking a bite. Plus, what is that in its mouth? Did it bite a piece of cheese before meeting its maker, or did it barf on itself in its death throes? Considering the amount of blood, I am going to have to go with death-barf.
3. GUMMI HAGGIS
After gummi fetus and splattered rat, why not a butterscotch-flavored gummi version of the meal that tells the rest of the world “don’t screw with the Scotts; we eat this crap because of a long tradition of doing things to scare the English the hell out of our country”?
2. GUMMI LEGOS
Finally, something not awful and scarring. This is actually incredibly cool; the gentlemen over at Instructables made these crafted silicone molds out of real Legos, and made the gummies out of Jell-O and Knox gelatin. So I guess, technically, they are more like Knox-Blox Legos, but who cares? You could build a house, an airplane, or a space ship, and then eat it all as part of pick-up time. Remember that candy dream I mentioned? It totally should have had gummi Legos.
I couldn’t find pictures of anything actually built with them, but I can only imagine it was equal parts fabulous and delicious, and the FDA says you can never have too much of the former.
1. GIANT GUMMI BRAIN
We had a gummi skull, and you can’t have skulls without brains, right?…I might not have thought that through very well. At any rate, this bubblegum-flavored brain weighs in at about 6.5 pounds. I doubt it would do much to distract zombies from eating your own precious grey matter, but the number of calories in it…isn’t very encouraging. If you’ve seen Zombieland, then you know how the chunkier people fare in a zombie apocalypse. But it looks cool, and that’s the most important thing, right?
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